45

Rang in the new year with grief... still. In came COVID, scary, but it has a way of bringing life and all that it is into perspective. Having zero control of the health and welfare on what feels like the last hope of love that you can  have on this side is crippling yet revealing. Then came the heaviness of being untethered. One of my dearest friends had come to an end of a union that was rooted in forever. Watching from afar all of the emotions and revelation that comes with divorce shook the grave that I once stood at some 20 years prior. The thing folks don't tell you about divorce is the rollercoater ride you are forced to endure as you come to grips with the end of it. All of a sudden I can remember the family that I once believed that I had turn their backs and resume life as if you never existed. People choose sides and you have to come to grips that things were never like you had believed they were. Truth is, they always picked a side, it just wasn't visible until the perverbial shit hit the fan. The real ones who love deep, are left with the burden of loving both and making sure no one feels unseen or unloved. Most time, those people are the children. Spring ushers in a "fuck you and your money moment" with my auto service dealership. I make a routine service appointment, drive up, only to be told, "we refuse the right to service your vehicle at this age" which is 10 years. Normally I would demand to speak to management and write a direct letter to the OEM to express my disappointment but I had no fight in me; I simply said "okay", and walked away. Ended up having a great brunch and on another occasion wine with two different dear friends. I'm convinced that women are the epitome of God in the flesh. Many days I stand in awe of the grace, poise and true grit of my girlfriends. These chicks are bad! Nonetheless, I draw strength from each of them and they always show up at the right time and right place. Summer comes in hot! I notice some unusual bleeding and discomforting pain that seems to be getting worse by the month -- I ignore it. I have the tendency to ignore shit that I know will either knock me to my knees or put a hole in my pocket. **But I digress** Pain has a way of causing enough discomfort that makes ignoring it no longer an option. I end up having fibroids on my uterus that mimicked a 5 month pregnancy. Surgery was the best option; so surgery I had. The interesting thing about having a myomectomy wasn't the relief of skipped periods, large bulges in my abdomen or uncomfortable digestion, it was accepting that I had to recovery without my mother. At no time during my life had I experienced a medical surgery without her. This made me angry. I swear I rolled my eyes at any and everybody possible who showed any concern of my health. I chose to lean on the closest cousin that I have who happens to resemble my mother more than I do -- that was by design. That's the closest that I could get to having the one last family face that could very well end up seeing being the last face be one that looked like my mama. Selfish AF, but I'm glad my cousin was there with no questions or hesitation. Then came my "fuck that job" moment. 6 weeks of recovery turned into Kim sitting her behind down and not doing anything. I didn't realize how much I needed that break. The holiday season shined light into more hidden areas that I've kept tucked away. I'm now a fiancé. Yeah, your girl is now betrothed! Christmas was much colder than I expected but the frigid temperature was much needed to preserve the end of 2022. As January 2023 comes in quietly, I'm looking forward to starting chapter 46 with a hopeful heart.

My Parents Were Right

Since losing both of my parents, I am reminded daily of the importance of their teachings and child rearing practices.

Both parents were from rural Alabama born to poorly educated parents. My mother grew up in an extremely toxic family structure whereas my father grew up in a family structure where image and appearances meant everything. I'm amazed at how they were able to successfully raise my brother and I in a family structure that had no semblance to their upbringing. 

The particular teachings that I'm reminded of today are respect, appreciation, accountability and gratitude. Many speak it but most rarely put it into practice. One of my father's biggest pet peeves was us asking others for money, things or favors without asking and consulting with him first. I never fully understood his reasoning until I became an adult. One thing my father stood on was accountability; he never wavered. We were his children and we were his responsibility. He treated my mother the same. This practice showed me how to be accountable and how to manage my own affairs as I got older. He taught me how to appreciate any effort outside of our family nuclei and to respect those who did so without being prompted. One of the cardinal mistakes I see parents making today is allowing any and everyone provide for their children. 

My godson reminded me this week that I was not his responsibility through his actions towards me for a small favor his mother asked me to do which was to pick him up from school. He followed up with a text confirming that I was 1, picking him up still and 2, to let me know his exact whereabouts as soon as school released. He literally made haste to be at the bottom on the steps immediately after school was over; he respected my time. Upon dropping him off at home, he texted me, "thank you miss kim"; he appreciated my efforts. Now this may seem very minute but trust me, this is major!

Here's the thing, he is being raised my two highly intelligent, hard working and successful adults who are financially sound. This is the game changer, they actually do the child rearing themselves, not depending on extended family or friends. This child is being shown how to live and behave accordingly and he's a teenager. 

What makes me extremely sad is the other children in my circle. The majority of these children have great parents as well but not to the extent where they have made child rearing a top priority. My experience has always been one filled with empathy and disappointment whenever I have ever shown kindness or done favors where they are concerned. I don't get the same level (or no regard) of respect or appreciation for any act of kindness or effort extended to them. I don't receive thank yous, a second glance or even a gesture of gratitude whenever I've gone out of my way to do something especially for them. And this isn't the child's fault; it's just a spoil of poor child rearing. 

I've provided car rides, given gifts, given money, invested time and resources to have children behave as if it was my duty to do so. The lack of true parenting breeds entitlement. These children were shown that it's everyone's responsibility to take care of them from an early age. So much so that they expect preferential treatment from others. I was once asked why I always give to those who have stable and thriving foundations; it's simple, they appreciate and value me and my efforts more. 

Boy were my parents right! 

Shit Do Stank

My mama died in late August of 2021. The pain of losing my only living parent left me with a feeling of abandonment. The only silver lining is my partner. He has stood ten toes down by my side stepping in to help me manage her affairs and helping to manage my brother. But 2022 has come in like a ravening wolf ready to devour and that wolf is named COVID-19. During the holiday, he and I were exposed to the virus. We ultimately contracted COVID-19. I am vaccinated; he is not. He began having symptoms first and they were harsh. He experienced fevers up to 103.8  for several days coupled with chills, muscle soreness, congestion, migraine headaches and diarrhea. I experienced mild diarrhea,  head and chest congestion and headaches. The fever I had was low grade and didn’t last past a couple of days. After seemingly to progress, he took a turn for the worse this week. He went from being in a good mood and even cooking and laughing to barely breathing in a 24-hour time span. I panicked; we panicked! He exhibited symptoms of walking pneumonia that I recall having some 10 years ago. To the ER we went. Our biggest fear came to fruition, COVID pneumonia with a blood clot in his right lung. I nearly fell apart as I sat waiting in the ER waiting room. I was not prepared to hear that his condition had reached this level of severity. I had to box up any feelings of doubt, fear or panic so I could encourage him and help to usher in his healing. This is what COVID does, it makes you dive deep to find an inner strength from our Creator or it makes you succumb to its pressure.

The ER waiting room was like a scene from a horror movie. Nearly every 15 minutes, the ambulance arrived with patients with COVID critical symptoms – all unvaccinated persons. They range from young to old, from all ethnicities. And the walk-ins, were like a non-stop revolving door. What hurt to witness the most were the elderly who were dropped off to fend for themselves. Many did not have vision to see the paperwork to complete or were too weak to write. Many were hard of hearing and could not hear their names called. I immediately started assisting even though I am still COVID positive; I could not sit by and just watch. I watched the medical professionals work as swiftly and with such patience and poise with the non-stop emergency patients arriving. They are to be applauded. I have PTSD from what I witnessed Tuesday night. To add insult to injury, I have a 23-year old cousin on a ventilator and now dialysis as he battles COVID. His mother, my closest first cousin, can’t even visit or have a conversation with her oldest child. She calls simply so he can hear her voice, yet she continues to work and manage her household while trying to maintain her own mental health and sanity. I can only imagine the pressure and stress she battles daily.

I live in a state of constant commune with God. And when I am in this zone, God alone sustains me. I don’t hunger nor thirst; I simply act on the instructions of the divine. I do as I am instructed. It reminds me of my favorite Bible passage on obedience – John, chapter 2, where Mary, the mother of Christ tells his servants to do whatever He tells them to do. And when they DO as they are instructed without regard, a miracle occurs. We have to be obedient if we want the miracles; obedience is the key.

Today, too many have yielded to the call of the world. We argue about the science of modern medicine and the complexities of the human body. I encourage everyone not to be conformed to your own mind. What you believe to be water is wine in the making. Let the Spirit of God be your guide in ALL things but especially regarding the vaccine for SARS-COV-2.

Many of us are hell bent on seeing if shit stanks; trust me, it does!

Blessed Assurance

 "This is my story, this is my song ..." Ah! I have heard this hymn all during my childhood and as I age I fully embrace the lyrics more and more. Some people go a lifetime not realizing their purpose but for me, I know my purpose is storytelling, yet I rarely walk in it and I honestly don't give it the priority that it needs. Earlier this week, a friend of mine, with whom I nearly do daily routine silly exchanges on Microsoft Teams, challenged me to get back to doing things that empower me that is not work-related. I wanted to reach through my PC and slap Belen but I knew she was right. It's funny how the Creator dispatches his angels to bring you back full circle to the very thing that you so passionately run from. Truth is, I have so much to say but I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to share with others who are so rigid that they can't see a different point of view that differs from their own. It's becoming evident that we are living in a bubble. A safe bubble where nothing really matters besides our wants and needs. We have lost our sense of community; hell, I've lost my sense of community! There is a part of my story that leans towards my culture and heritage. Right now, the news media has a no holds barred approach when displaying acts of brutality against people of color that causes discomfort and reinforces past violence. It causes discomfort in my day to day life and my work life as well. I don't work with people who predominately look like me nor understand the history of people who look like me. So basically, it's business as usual. My mental health has been battered and bruised during the era of COVID.  I find myself being pulled and prodded in so many different directions to a point where its unhealthy and has increased my anxiety. So much so that I have retreated to the safety of my own home. The only person I allow in my bubble has been Chris (my boo). Even though I have a heightened sense of uneasiness,  I also am confronted with the real issue...walking in purpose; storytelling.

I hear the universe loud and clear and I'm officially opening my prayers and life to walking into it. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Forgot About Kim

I've had a real shitty week, period. One of the things I battle the most in this life is coming in last when I've always held the lead in the race. Let me explain ... I tend to give effort, A LOT of it; whether the task is work related or personal, one thing for sure, Kim is coming through surpassing expectations. It's just who I am, a part of my brand per se. It's not something that I want to change or something I want a hand clap for; all I want is credit when credit is due. This week has served me up a warm, stinky plate of shit when I have secured all the ingredients of a 5-star meal. The bait and switch was the fact that all that securing wasn't for me to enjoy the delicious meal, yet it was for me to relieve and wipe the shit after someone else has enjoyed the fruits of my effort. All I got was the after effect and as you can see, the after affects of a great meal is a good healthy shit.

As much as I have prayed and processed this feeling yet again, all I really wanted was some moral, empathetic support from my loved ones. Now don't get me wrong, I have a few great friends who came through with support, from blueberry wine and blackberry scrub to a humid night in the pool with laughter. I appreciated it greatly but my human nature craved for the support of those closest to me. Which ended up in epic failure. The support I sought was given a backseat to their own priorities. Whether it was baking a cake or working on a car, Kim got put to the back of the bus. Now these are the very ones who get the optimum effort from me whenever they have any kind of issue that requires support whether it be financial, emotional, or support requiring me to act; I'm typically on it before they can even ask. But look what I got ... dismissed quickly and made an after thought.

The latter half of 2020, I'm going to focus and direct my energies on myself. I have wasted too much time and effort on solving others problems instead of understanding why I forget about mine so unhesistantly to a point where it's unhealthy. You see, the shit I have been served has been subconsciously conjured up by none other than Kim.

Oh dear Kim, oh have I forgotten all about you!
Now it's time for me to look in the mirror and say, "o sis, you're my boo"!

Fuel From My Mama

My mother called me at 6:44 this morning. It's not unusual but when she puts in an early morning call to me, something is usually weighing on her. When the calls first began years ago, I used to think to myself, "why don't she call one of her lil friends"? Like she used to tell me back in my early teen years when I wanted to talk about teen things. But as time has moved forward and the calls started to come more frequent I realized more and more her motive for the calls. Somedays she calls me just to shout the blessings of the Lord and I do mean SHOUT 😁 then there are days when the weight of her world is heavy and she has to talk it out. Either way, it requires a large part of the time with just me listening.

Early morning conversations with mama are like fuel for my soul. Her stories are mere reflections on the many complexities that we will experience in this life. Her sharing let's me know that it's okay to experience the wonders of this world; be they happy one day and sad the next. Too many times we go through life shielding others from our typical day to day emotional life and I've learned that it's not healthy or allows us to grow.

Conversations with mama are intimate and it allows us to bond and allows me to gain wisdom for the days to come.

Stop Feeding the Monsters

We are not growing properly; plain and simple ... right? Truth is, we have either grown accustomed to pain or conformed to laziness at it's worse levels.

How many times have you sat quietly and watched destruction either before the fall or after and not move a muscle? I have...more times than I care to admit. I can think of a myriad of reasons why I sat idle ranging from -- not my business to that's what he/she gets. As I reflect, I unconsciously welcomed that type of karma into my own life. When we do nothing or say nothing, we are not only ignoring our fellow man, we are ignoring ourselves. It comes to our doors and no one speaks up for us ... there is no hero to save the day.

We are far more connected by disconnect than we know. I found my self disappointed in a co-worker last week because I found out that they passively listened to an off color remark and said nothing. I was so sure that they didn't care if people of another ethnicity was spoken so I'll of. But in the budding era of "me too", how often can I honestly say that I've sat quietly as well. Well pot meet kettle!

I'm also struggling with "being kind" after being felt used and wronged. After much burying my head in the sand, I finally faced that a guy really wasn't that into me as I had hoped, although he's been to chicken shit to come out & say it. Truth is, it makes him feel better to not own up to his wrongdoings so instead he's ignored the conversations that I've asked for clarity and continues to send funny text messages to somehow soften the BS he's served time and time again. I had realized I've been conditioned to "take the high road" and always respond in love. But I know what LOVE is and its correction. It's not this passive shit to make you feel better about your BS! I found the courage to say, thanks but no thanks and here's why and move right along. We must learn to voice our pain and wrongdoings for that matter in order to GROW wiser and better. When we turn passive and discontent to those who violate the feelings and rights of others, we are feeding the monster.

Stop feeding the monster!