Rang in the new year with grief... still. In came COVID, scary, but it has a way of bringing life and all that it is into perspective. Having zero control of the health and welfare on what feels like the last hope of love that you can have on this side is crippling yet revealing. Then came the heaviness of being untethered. One of my dearest friends had come to an end of a union that was rooted in forever. Watching from afar all of the emotions and revelation that comes with divorce shook the grave that I once stood at some 20 years prior. The thing folks don't tell you about divorce is the rollercoater ride you are forced to endure as you come to grips with the end of it. All of a sudden I can remember the family that I once believed that I had turn their backs and resume life as if you never existed. People choose sides and you have to come to grips that things were never like you had believed they were. Truth is, they always picked a side, it just wasn't visible until the perverbial shit hit the fan. The real ones who love deep, are left with the burden of loving both and making sure no one feels unseen or unloved. Most time, those people are the children. Spring ushers in a "fuck you and your money moment" with my auto service dealership. I make a routine service appointment, drive up, only to be told, "we refuse the right to service your vehicle at this age" which is 10 years. Normally I would demand to speak to management and write a direct letter to the OEM to express my disappointment but I had no fight in me; I simply said "okay", and walked away. Ended up having a great brunch and on another occasion wine with two different dear friends. I'm convinced that women are the epitome of God in the flesh. Many days I stand in awe of the grace, poise and true grit of my girlfriends. These chicks are bad! Nonetheless, I draw strength from each of them and they always show up at the right time and right place. Summer comes in hot! I notice some unusual bleeding and discomforting pain that seems to be getting worse by the month -- I ignore it. I have the tendency to ignore shit that I know will either knock me to my knees or put a hole in my pocket. **But I digress** Pain has a way of causing enough discomfort that makes ignoring it no longer an option. I end up having fibroids on my uterus that mimicked a 5 month pregnancy. Surgery was the best option; so surgery I had. The interesting thing about having a myomectomy wasn't the relief of skipped periods, large bulges in my abdomen or uncomfortable digestion, it was accepting that I had to recovery without my mother. At no time during my life had I experienced a medical surgery without her. This made me angry. I swear I rolled my eyes at any and everybody possible who showed any concern of my health. I chose to lean on the closest cousin that I have who happens to resemble my mother more than I do -- that was by design. That's the closest that I could get to having the one last family face that could very well end up seeing being the last face be one that looked like my mama. Selfish AF, but I'm glad my cousin was there with no questions or hesitation. Then came my "fuck that job" moment. 6 weeks of recovery turned into Kim sitting her behind down and not doing anything. I didn't realize how much I needed that break. The holiday season shined light into more hidden areas that I've kept tucked away. I'm now a fiancé. Yeah, your girl is now betrothed! Christmas was much colder than I expected but the frigid temperature was much needed to preserve the end of 2022. As January 2023 comes in quietly, I'm looking forward to starting chapter 46 with a hopeful heart.
