Lessons From Grief

Mornings are the worse. Reality has been patiently waiting ready to get in a quickie as soon as you leave the slumber of sleep.

The beginning of almost anything requires the most work. All the "firsts" are hard. The amount of sacrifice,  pure grit & determination that you put in first will impact the process & outcome. Same rings true for grieving. You have to approach it directly, heads-on and hard in the beginning or it will sit, stew and grow into something toxic.

People love their rituals! They will serve as both gifts & curses.

People enjoy seeing pain up close and personal. It's something about seeing it unfold that's addictive. It's true reality tv.

The greater the love, the greater the pain.

Complete healing is a myth, it never shows up, no kind introductions, you'll forever read about it in books and fairytales. You won't receive this gift until this life is over.

If you've never been formally introduced, you will soon come to know that Pain is now your nigga for life! Once he shows up, you have to make room for him or else.

Words are razor blades. Hearing and saying "I love you" will never feel the same again. Saying that "it takes time" does not lend comfort. Not saying a word will forever be the sweetest taboo when comforting a grieving person, try it.

The little everyday things are what you will miss the most.

If anyone grieving ever asks you for anything, do it & do it immediately. The concept of time is very volatile. They are basing everything in measurements of time.

If you are so compelled to just "do something", make it short & quick and don't ask what they need. You cannot, I repeat, cannot provide any necessities at this time.

Quit asking about damn food! No, we don't care to eat, have to taste for anything or have any dietary concerns. Bring something that you know they will eat of you don't know what they like, bring bottled water or money.

Any visit over 30 minutes is exhausting. Never ever ask how'd a loved one died or if there was sickness.  Answering this question forces the grieving person to relive the death in their hearts & minds repeatedly.

It never gets easier, it just becomes bearable. Pain either builds strength or destroys you.

When others are in the early stages of the grieving process, do not take the opportunity to share your memory of the loss of a loved one that happened years ago. It is not encouraging, it's dismissive. This isn't a contest of who will grieve the best.

Grieving the loss of a loved one will leave a hole especially when that person held a permanent position in your life. Although they are irreplaceable, the hole will fill with other things or the hole will become a darkness that will grow bigger.

Sharks always come when there is blood in the water. There will be people who will try to pimp grief. Folks will pretend to grieve for a numerous of reasons; common reasons are attention, money, access and revenge. They will circle you, watch you & strike in moments of weakness. It's okay to not return calls or talk to certain people.

The grieving process is different for EVERYBODY! There is no handbook or quick tips on surviving the pain.

You must find laughter, it ushers in healing.

Accept that some days will be better than others. You'll find yourself getting into a groove of having really good days back to back then one moment will come along and derail you completely. It's not a setback, it's reality, just keep going. The only way to manage grief and pain is to plow through it. Regardless of how you feel, never allow yourself to wallow long, it can get way too comfortable there.