45

Rang in the new year with grief... still. In came COVID, scary, but it has a way of bringing life and all that it is into perspective. Having zero control of the health and welfare on what feels like the last hope of love that you can  have on this side is crippling yet revealing. Then came the heaviness of being untethered. One of my dearest friends had come to an end of a union that was rooted in forever. Watching from afar all of the emotions and revelation that comes with divorce shook the grave that I once stood at some 20 years prior. The thing folks don't tell you about divorce is the rollercoater ride you are forced to endure as you come to grips with the end of it. All of a sudden I can remember the family that I once believed that I had turn their backs and resume life as if you never existed. People choose sides and you have to come to grips that things were never like you had believed they were. Truth is, they always picked a side, it just wasn't visible until the perverbial shit hit the fan. The real ones who love deep, are left with the burden of loving both and making sure no one feels unseen or unloved. Most time, those people are the children. Spring ushers in a "fuck you and your money moment" with my auto service dealership. I make a routine service appointment, drive up, only to be told, "we refuse the right to service your vehicle at this age" which is 10 years. Normally I would demand to speak to management and write a direct letter to the OEM to express my disappointment but I had no fight in me; I simply said "okay", and walked away. Ended up having a great brunch and on another occasion wine with two different dear friends. I'm convinced that women are the epitome of God in the flesh. Many days I stand in awe of the grace, poise and true grit of my girlfriends. These chicks are bad! Nonetheless, I draw strength from each of them and they always show up at the right time and right place. Summer comes in hot! I notice some unusual bleeding and discomforting pain that seems to be getting worse by the month -- I ignore it. I have the tendency to ignore shit that I know will either knock me to my knees or put a hole in my pocket. **But I digress** Pain has a way of causing enough discomfort that makes ignoring it no longer an option. I end up having fibroids on my uterus that mimicked a 5 month pregnancy. Surgery was the best option; so surgery I had. The interesting thing about having a myomectomy wasn't the relief of skipped periods, large bulges in my abdomen or uncomfortable digestion, it was accepting that I had to recovery without my mother. At no time during my life had I experienced a medical surgery without her. This made me angry. I swear I rolled my eyes at any and everybody possible who showed any concern of my health. I chose to lean on the closest cousin that I have who happens to resemble my mother more than I do -- that was by design. That's the closest that I could get to having the one last family face that could very well end up seeing being the last face be one that looked like my mama. Selfish AF, but I'm glad my cousin was there with no questions or hesitation. Then came my "fuck that job" moment. 6 weeks of recovery turned into Kim sitting her behind down and not doing anything. I didn't realize how much I needed that break. The holiday season shined light into more hidden areas that I've kept tucked away. I'm now a fiancé. Yeah, your girl is now betrothed! Christmas was much colder than I expected but the frigid temperature was much needed to preserve the end of 2022. As January 2023 comes in quietly, I'm looking forward to starting chapter 46 with a hopeful heart.

My Parents Were Right

Since losing both of my parents, I am reminded daily of the importance of their teachings and child rearing practices.

Both parents were from rural Alabama born to poorly educated parents. My mother grew up in an extremely toxic family structure whereas my father grew up in a family structure where image and appearances meant everything. I'm amazed at how they were able to successfully raise my brother and I in a family structure that had no semblance to their upbringing. 

The particular teachings that I'm reminded of today are respect, appreciation, accountability and gratitude. Many speak it but most rarely put it into practice. One of my father's biggest pet peeves was us asking others for money, things or favors without asking and consulting with him first. I never fully understood his reasoning until I became an adult. One thing my father stood on was accountability; he never wavered. We were his children and we were his responsibility. He treated my mother the same. This practice showed me how to be accountable and how to manage my own affairs as I got older. He taught me how to appreciate any effort outside of our family nuclei and to respect those who did so without being prompted. One of the cardinal mistakes I see parents making today is allowing any and everyone provide for their children. 

My godson reminded me this week that I was not his responsibility through his actions towards me for a small favor his mother asked me to do which was to pick him up from school. He followed up with a text confirming that I was 1, picking him up still and 2, to let me know his exact whereabouts as soon as school released. He literally made haste to be at the bottom on the steps immediately after school was over; he respected my time. Upon dropping him off at home, he texted me, "thank you miss kim"; he appreciated my efforts. Now this may seem very minute but trust me, this is major!

Here's the thing, he is being raised my two highly intelligent, hard working and successful adults who are financially sound. This is the game changer, they actually do the child rearing themselves, not depending on extended family or friends. This child is being shown how to live and behave accordingly and he's a teenager. 

What makes me extremely sad is the other children in my circle. The majority of these children have great parents as well but not to the extent where they have made child rearing a top priority. My experience has always been one filled with empathy and disappointment whenever I have ever shown kindness or done favors where they are concerned. I don't get the same level (or no regard) of respect or appreciation for any act of kindness or effort extended to them. I don't receive thank yous, a second glance or even a gesture of gratitude whenever I've gone out of my way to do something especially for them. And this isn't the child's fault; it's just a spoil of poor child rearing. 

I've provided car rides, given gifts, given money, invested time and resources to have children behave as if it was my duty to do so. The lack of true parenting breeds entitlement. These children were shown that it's everyone's responsibility to take care of them from an early age. So much so that they expect preferential treatment from others. I was once asked why I always give to those who have stable and thriving foundations; it's simple, they appreciate and value me and my efforts more. 

Boy were my parents right! 

Shit Do Stank

My mama died in late August of 2021. The pain of losing my only living parent left me with a feeling of abandonment. The only silver lining is my partner. He has stood ten toes down by my side stepping in to help me manage her affairs and helping to manage my brother. But 2022 has come in like a ravening wolf ready to devour and that wolf is named COVID-19. During the holiday, he and I were exposed to the virus. We ultimately contracted COVID-19. I am vaccinated; he is not. He began having symptoms first and they were harsh. He experienced fevers up to 103.8  for several days coupled with chills, muscle soreness, congestion, migraine headaches and diarrhea. I experienced mild diarrhea,  head and chest congestion and headaches. The fever I had was low grade and didn’t last past a couple of days. After seemingly to progress, he took a turn for the worse this week. He went from being in a good mood and even cooking and laughing to barely breathing in a 24-hour time span. I panicked; we panicked! He exhibited symptoms of walking pneumonia that I recall having some 10 years ago. To the ER we went. Our biggest fear came to fruition, COVID pneumonia with a blood clot in his right lung. I nearly fell apart as I sat waiting in the ER waiting room. I was not prepared to hear that his condition had reached this level of severity. I had to box up any feelings of doubt, fear or panic so I could encourage him and help to usher in his healing. This is what COVID does, it makes you dive deep to find an inner strength from our Creator or it makes you succumb to its pressure.

The ER waiting room was like a scene from a horror movie. Nearly every 15 minutes, the ambulance arrived with patients with COVID critical symptoms – all unvaccinated persons. They range from young to old, from all ethnicities. And the walk-ins, were like a non-stop revolving door. What hurt to witness the most were the elderly who were dropped off to fend for themselves. Many did not have vision to see the paperwork to complete or were too weak to write. Many were hard of hearing and could not hear their names called. I immediately started assisting even though I am still COVID positive; I could not sit by and just watch. I watched the medical professionals work as swiftly and with such patience and poise with the non-stop emergency patients arriving. They are to be applauded. I have PTSD from what I witnessed Tuesday night. To add insult to injury, I have a 23-year old cousin on a ventilator and now dialysis as he battles COVID. His mother, my closest first cousin, can’t even visit or have a conversation with her oldest child. She calls simply so he can hear her voice, yet she continues to work and manage her household while trying to maintain her own mental health and sanity. I can only imagine the pressure and stress she battles daily.

I live in a state of constant commune with God. And when I am in this zone, God alone sustains me. I don’t hunger nor thirst; I simply act on the instructions of the divine. I do as I am instructed. It reminds me of my favorite Bible passage on obedience – John, chapter 2, where Mary, the mother of Christ tells his servants to do whatever He tells them to do. And when they DO as they are instructed without regard, a miracle occurs. We have to be obedient if we want the miracles; obedience is the key.

Today, too many have yielded to the call of the world. We argue about the science of modern medicine and the complexities of the human body. I encourage everyone not to be conformed to your own mind. What you believe to be water is wine in the making. Let the Spirit of God be your guide in ALL things but especially regarding the vaccine for SARS-COV-2.

Many of us are hell bent on seeing if shit stanks; trust me, it does!

Blessed Assurance

 "This is my story, this is my song ..." Ah! I have heard this hymn all during my childhood and as I age I fully embrace the lyrics more and more. Some people go a lifetime not realizing their purpose but for me, I know my purpose is storytelling, yet I rarely walk in it and I honestly don't give it the priority that it needs. Earlier this week, a friend of mine, with whom I nearly do daily routine silly exchanges on Microsoft Teams, challenged me to get back to doing things that empower me that is not work-related. I wanted to reach through my PC and slap Belen but I knew she was right. It's funny how the Creator dispatches his angels to bring you back full circle to the very thing that you so passionately run from. Truth is, I have so much to say but I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to share with others who are so rigid that they can't see a different point of view that differs from their own. It's becoming evident that we are living in a bubble. A safe bubble where nothing really matters besides our wants and needs. We have lost our sense of community; hell, I've lost my sense of community! There is a part of my story that leans towards my culture and heritage. Right now, the news media has a no holds barred approach when displaying acts of brutality against people of color that causes discomfort and reinforces past violence. It causes discomfort in my day to day life and my work life as well. I don't work with people who predominately look like me nor understand the history of people who look like me. So basically, it's business as usual. My mental health has been battered and bruised during the era of COVID.  I find myself being pulled and prodded in so many different directions to a point where its unhealthy and has increased my anxiety. So much so that I have retreated to the safety of my own home. The only person I allow in my bubble has been Chris (my boo). Even though I have a heightened sense of uneasiness,  I also am confronted with the real issue...walking in purpose; storytelling.

I hear the universe loud and clear and I'm officially opening my prayers and life to walking into it. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Forgot About Kim

I've had a real shitty week, period. One of the things I battle the most in this life is coming in last when I've always held the lead in the race. Let me explain ... I tend to give effort, A LOT of it; whether the task is work related or personal, one thing for sure, Kim is coming through surpassing expectations. It's just who I am, a part of my brand per se. It's not something that I want to change or something I want a hand clap for; all I want is credit when credit is due. This week has served me up a warm, stinky plate of shit when I have secured all the ingredients of a 5-star meal. The bait and switch was the fact that all that securing wasn't for me to enjoy the delicious meal, yet it was for me to relieve and wipe the shit after someone else has enjoyed the fruits of my effort. All I got was the after effect and as you can see, the after affects of a great meal is a good healthy shit.

As much as I have prayed and processed this feeling yet again, all I really wanted was some moral, empathetic support from my loved ones. Now don't get me wrong, I have a few great friends who came through with support, from blueberry wine and blackberry scrub to a humid night in the pool with laughter. I appreciated it greatly but my human nature craved for the support of those closest to me. Which ended up in epic failure. The support I sought was given a backseat to their own priorities. Whether it was baking a cake or working on a car, Kim got put to the back of the bus. Now these are the very ones who get the optimum effort from me whenever they have any kind of issue that requires support whether it be financial, emotional, or support requiring me to act; I'm typically on it before they can even ask. But look what I got ... dismissed quickly and made an after thought.

The latter half of 2020, I'm going to focus and direct my energies on myself. I have wasted too much time and effort on solving others problems instead of understanding why I forget about mine so unhesistantly to a point where it's unhealthy. You see, the shit I have been served has been subconsciously conjured up by none other than Kim.

Oh dear Kim, oh have I forgotten all about you!
Now it's time for me to look in the mirror and say, "o sis, you're my boo"!

Fuel From My Mama

My mother called me at 6:44 this morning. It's not unusual but when she puts in an early morning call to me, something is usually weighing on her. When the calls first began years ago, I used to think to myself, "why don't she call one of her lil friends"? Like she used to tell me back in my early teen years when I wanted to talk about teen things. But as time has moved forward and the calls started to come more frequent I realized more and more her motive for the calls. Somedays she calls me just to shout the blessings of the Lord and I do mean SHOUT 😁 then there are days when the weight of her world is heavy and she has to talk it out. Either way, it requires a large part of the time with just me listening.

Early morning conversations with mama are like fuel for my soul. Her stories are mere reflections on the many complexities that we will experience in this life. Her sharing let's me know that it's okay to experience the wonders of this world; be they happy one day and sad the next. Too many times we go through life shielding others from our typical day to day emotional life and I've learned that it's not healthy or allows us to grow.

Conversations with mama are intimate and it allows us to bond and allows me to gain wisdom for the days to come.

Stop Feeding the Monsters

We are not growing properly; plain and simple ... right? Truth is, we have either grown accustomed to pain or conformed to laziness at it's worse levels.

How many times have you sat quietly and watched destruction either before the fall or after and not move a muscle? I have...more times than I care to admit. I can think of a myriad of reasons why I sat idle ranging from -- not my business to that's what he/she gets. As I reflect, I unconsciously welcomed that type of karma into my own life. When we do nothing or say nothing, we are not only ignoring our fellow man, we are ignoring ourselves. It comes to our doors and no one speaks up for us ... there is no hero to save the day.

We are far more connected by disconnect than we know. I found my self disappointed in a co-worker last week because I found out that they passively listened to an off color remark and said nothing. I was so sure that they didn't care if people of another ethnicity was spoken so I'll of. But in the budding era of "me too", how often can I honestly say that I've sat quietly as well. Well pot meet kettle!

I'm also struggling with "being kind" after being felt used and wronged. After much burying my head in the sand, I finally faced that a guy really wasn't that into me as I had hoped, although he's been to chicken shit to come out & say it. Truth is, it makes him feel better to not own up to his wrongdoings so instead he's ignored the conversations that I've asked for clarity and continues to send funny text messages to somehow soften the BS he's served time and time again. I had realized I've been conditioned to "take the high road" and always respond in love. But I know what LOVE is and its correction. It's not this passive shit to make you feel better about your BS! I found the courage to say, thanks but no thanks and here's why and move right along. We must learn to voice our pain and wrongdoings for that matter in order to GROW wiser and better. When we turn passive and discontent to those who violate the feelings and rights of others, we are feeding the monster.

Stop feeding the monster!

Fall Harvest

My favorite season is by far Fall. If you really look at the seasons carefully, the Creator tells us all we need to know about the very seasons of our lives. The rich colors of the foliage as they are dying is magnificent! We have been conditioned to only focus on the pain of death that we fail to see the beauty of it. After Fall, there is Winter, a season where coldness forces us to retreat and seek warmth. The warmth is the Spirit of God. After we've embraced and healed from the cold, comes Spring. A rebirth of those very living plants that left us in the Fall. Many of us will witness all the work that goes on in Spring. From the bees buzzing, the falling rain to the cultivating of soil to prepare for the rebirth. Ah, rebirth!

2016 has served as a season of Fall for me. I've experienced so many deaths that made me at times wonder what in the world God is doing. And as much as I have always loved Fall, it has felt like Winter because the pain has been so cold and so unapologetic. Somehow I know that Spring will usher in a ton of cultivating. We have to realize that a plentiful harvest requires not only painful sacrifices but tons of work.

Work is what will bring us fruitful; for faith without works is dead. Although things may be tough, people and situations may be dying all around us, we must know that the harvest is near! Hold on to the seasons, watch and pray. We are coming into a season of abundance.

Lessons From Grief

Mornings are the worse. Reality has been patiently waiting ready to get in a quickie as soon as you leave the slumber of sleep.

The beginning of almost anything requires the most work. All the "firsts" are hard. The amount of sacrifice,  pure grit & determination that you put in first will impact the process & outcome. Same rings true for grieving. You have to approach it directly, heads-on and hard in the beginning or it will sit, stew and grow into something toxic.

People love their rituals! They will serve as both gifts & curses.

People enjoy seeing pain up close and personal. It's something about seeing it unfold that's addictive. It's true reality tv.

The greater the love, the greater the pain.

Complete healing is a myth, it never shows up, no kind introductions, you'll forever read about it in books and fairytales. You won't receive this gift until this life is over.

If you've never been formally introduced, you will soon come to know that Pain is now your nigga for life! Once he shows up, you have to make room for him or else.

Words are razor blades. Hearing and saying "I love you" will never feel the same again. Saying that "it takes time" does not lend comfort. Not saying a word will forever be the sweetest taboo when comforting a grieving person, try it.

The little everyday things are what you will miss the most.

If anyone grieving ever asks you for anything, do it & do it immediately. The concept of time is very volatile. They are basing everything in measurements of time.

If you are so compelled to just "do something", make it short & quick and don't ask what they need. You cannot, I repeat, cannot provide any necessities at this time.

Quit asking about damn food! No, we don't care to eat, have to taste for anything or have any dietary concerns. Bring something that you know they will eat of you don't know what they like, bring bottled water or money.

Any visit over 30 minutes is exhausting. Never ever ask how'd a loved one died or if there was sickness.  Answering this question forces the grieving person to relive the death in their hearts & minds repeatedly.

It never gets easier, it just becomes bearable. Pain either builds strength or destroys you.

When others are in the early stages of the grieving process, do not take the opportunity to share your memory of the loss of a loved one that happened years ago. It is not encouraging, it's dismissive. This isn't a contest of who will grieve the best.

Grieving the loss of a loved one will leave a hole especially when that person held a permanent position in your life. Although they are irreplaceable, the hole will fill with other things or the hole will become a darkness that will grow bigger.

Sharks always come when there is blood in the water. There will be people who will try to pimp grief. Folks will pretend to grieve for a numerous of reasons; common reasons are attention, money, access and revenge. They will circle you, watch you & strike in moments of weakness. It's okay to not return calls or talk to certain people.

The grieving process is different for EVERYBODY! There is no handbook or quick tips on surviving the pain.

You must find laughter, it ushers in healing.

Accept that some days will be better than others. You'll find yourself getting into a groove of having really good days back to back then one moment will come along and derail you completely. It's not a setback, it's reality, just keep going. The only way to manage grief and pain is to plow through it. Regardless of how you feel, never allow yourself to wallow long, it can get way too comfortable there.

The Importance of Being Earnest

I've been reflecting on this year alot lately. I've been attempting to pinpoint both failures and triumphs all while trying to find growth opportunities. The one area that I've personally noticed is my lack of bringing more earnesty into my actions and train of thought.

Oscar Wilde once wrote, "the good ended happily, and the bad unhappily, that is what fiction means." Although The Importance of Being Earnest is satirical, it is riddled with the truth. The good seems to end rather unhappily or unnoticed more often than happily nowadays. Bad gets all of the praise and attention in today's world -- yesterday's too for that matter. I believe we all play a major role in the decay of good getting its just desserts.

In grade school, positive behavior,  action, outstanding work and effort is positively reinforced, praised even. As we age & life introduces itself to us, we tend to shrug at the responsible, stellar feats, andextraordinary efforts of others unless it lends some sparkle to our own dulling shine. I've witnessed so many people run to the rescue of those who are victims of poor decision making & irresponsible behaviors. We don't praise or encourage those who have the courage to do the right thing day in and day out. Why is that?

As I mentioned earlier,  it's all about the sparkle that we'd like to show off to others. The easiest way in this world to shine is by going into darker places or situations so our sparkle can glimmer a lil brighter and gain some oh-so coveted attention. We've missed the mark -- I've missed the mark. I'm making a concerted effort to be present in the brighter places. I'm going to support positive feats of those around me no matter how small. By doing so,  our sparkle isn't dimmed or dismissed, it actually sets us up to strengthen our own shine! Positive energy is POWER, we can recharge each other and keep the momentum going if we'd simply give attention to the ones who are actually accomplishing greater things.  Things that make them grow, give light and shoulder personal responsibility. Adults need it more than ever.

My actions moving forward will involve me actively supporting & appreciating the positive actions of those I may come in contact with.  My attentions will be more focused on encouraging people's good decisions rather than trying to reverse the damage of the bad. Through earnesty, we can put Good in the driver's seat and hope for a better destination.

All We Have Is Now

There is no time like the present for tomorrow is promised to no man or woman! Be empowered to have the courage to pursue the desires of your heart. It's so easily said but so very hard to perform. How many times have I second guessed my first mind? It's been so many times that I've lost count. Truth is, I got caught up in the results of someone else's failures or triumph that I was busy comparing my story to theirs. Truth is, to activate such thinking is blasphemous. Who are we to believe that our Creator made us all the same? True, we are made from His image which is ROYAL. So who are we to compare ourselves against any being other than the Most High?

Don't worry, I'm guilty of it too. So many times I've refrained from pursuing the passion in my spirit due to fear. I'm so thankful that our God is not only faithful but persistent. Oftentimes, I see Jonah surface in my own self. I run from the voice that has made a commandment of me and end up in the belly of a beast. The end of that story is, even though I may have appeared to have been defeated and in the midst of darkness with no way out, the end result is always deliverance.

I often think of tomorrow as if I know it's coming when in fact, it's merely a figment of my imagination. It's never been promised my friends. The key is to know that the PRESENT is the right now, this very moment. That moment is to do the will of God and not man. If we are granted tomorrow, it's a second chance to do just that, God's will. I truly believe that our guiding purpose is to LOVE and if we truly love God, we will feed His sheep.

Don't look to hard at the exterior, don't focus too much on tomorrow, all we have is now; for every moment is fleeting.

Missing the Moment

One of the most therapeutic and enjoyable outlets that I have is writing. But the caveat is, I rarely make time to do it. As I sip on a glass of red wine blend, I want to address a topic that I rarely discuss openly and that is taking photos. Anyone who knows me well knows that my biggest pet peeve and aggravator is posing for photos. Now if you look hard enough, you can find images of me whether on Facebook or even some printed marketing material that’s in the universe, but nevertheless, I have a strong disdain for them.

In today’s society, we’ve become with obsessed with what I call the “one-up”. We want to show people (who really could care less) that we have arrived, that we matter, and that we have arrived! We want to show the world that we are doing something with our lives, that we are having fun. But the reality is, we are decaying at a rapid rate. We’ve become too consumed with the “one-up” that we have forgotten to enjoy the ride, bask in the many experiences of life because we are too busy showing the world that we are doing something that they aren’t.

Truth is, we need to take a good hard look in the mirror, not the photo. Photos are mere snippet of life; they will never reflect the true depiction of life. Photos are a way to hide behind the hurt, the disappointment, the fear, the uncertainty, the disappointments that life can bring.  I have learned that we spend most of our lives hiding our true selves from others because of reluctance of being judged, ridiculed and the most hurtful, rejected. We have gotten so caught up in the opinion of others that we have forgotten to bask in the beauty of a moment of happiness. We are missing the joy that God created for us to enjoy. We have let today’s digital technology and media hype destroy our sanity. We are becoming so dependent on the connectivity of a manmade persona that we have forgotten to smell the roses.

Life was always intended to be lived. It is best experienced when we actually lose ourselves in the beauty of a moment. There are so many things that God wants to reveal to us that no one else will understand but if we are so consumed with showing off, those moments will be few and far between and everything we photograph will be superficial.  Retrain yourself to stop interjecting a cell phone camera into your lives. Some things make much better stories than pictures.

My personal testimony is, I would much rather have you enjoy my company than take a photo of a partial glimpse of my presence. Take the time to bask in the joy of my humor, my love, my spirit and my message. There are some parts of me that are never to be shared with the masses.

Origin

Anyone who knows me well knows I always emphasize the foundation, the beginning per se, of all things.  This time is no different. In order to carefully dissect and have a substantiated opinion on any matter one must do their research.  A lot of hearts and minds are confused, heavy and burdened by the Martin/Zimmerman tragedy. I’ve read numerous Facebook posts and tweets, along with listening to many conversations but I’ve also noticed all who’ve said nothing.  Silence is oftentimes loud, it’s also quite scary.  People who conceal their thoughts are very dangerous. Everyone has a belief system and in America, it is muddled more than any other country in the world. For many of us Black Americans, we are emotionally attached to the Martin/Zimmerman tragedy. We know what it feels like to be looked at cautiously in public places, especially places of business. We know what it feels like to work in an environment where you are coyly referred to by your co-workers as their “Black” friend. We know how it feels to be feared, ignored and deemed ignorant because of the pigment of our hue.

Being Black in America carries a label, a preconceived notion of what and who you are. And that label carries and resonates across the races, especially for Black men. For those of you who beg to differ, I urge you to inspect the origin of Blacks in America. The history that we and most of our children have been taught tells us that the first Africans came to Jamestown, VA in 1619 as slaves. European settlers in North America deemed Africans as cheaper and more plentiful labor source than indentured servants who were Europeans as well. Two words stand out for me, CHEAP LABOR. The reason Africans were brought to America was for cheap labor. Keep that in mind. It takes centuries for the ideology of a nation to evolve. Who you are is defined by what you do and how people treat you is based on what they see, remember that. What do you believe a Black American male represents? How do you view them as a whole? If you are a Black male, how do you define yourself? What esteems you? These are tough questions that are often answered untruthfully no matter who you ask. Marcus Garvey once wrote that a “people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.” You cannot and should not let anyone or any machine DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.

George Zimmerman represents just about every non-Black American. I may ruffle some feathers but this isn’t really about the law and what burden of proof was or wasn’t reinforced, those six jurors identified more with George Zimmerman than they identified with Sybrina Fulton, Tracy Martin or Trayvon Martin. Let’s be clear, George Zimmerman was afraid. And fear is a powerful drug, it enslaves the human mind. Fear fueled his very actions that night. And like most non-Black Americans, they are afraid of Black people, period. When you couple fear and a society where the media constantly portrays and illustrates Black people negatively, you will create a psyche where Black lives are deemed disposable and sacrificial. I promise you if you ask most non-Black Americans to hypothetically imagine that they are alone, walking in their neighborhood and happen to see a Black man walking near or in the same space as them, they will feel fear well up inside of them and become defensive. I don’t care if it is admitted or not, I believe that to be true. Bertrand Russell once wrote that, “fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” And that brings me to my final point.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” James 1:5.  God commands us to “fear not” 365 times in the Holy Bible. The Bible warns us of fear more than any other emotion. Fear is not of God, period. Whenever it surfaces, we MUST know that it is a device of the devil. In order to overcome and triumph over fear, we must seek wisdom and no man can give us wisdom, we have to petition God for that. Many of us don’t know how to deal with this tragedy, and I urge all Americans to seek God and seek His counsel when it comes to His people. One of my earliest memories is of my mother praying over my brother and me as we slept. I remember her murmurs and her tears. As I got older, I asked her about it and she says that she prayed over us while we were in her womb, babies and now as adults and that she will continue to until her last breath.  I urge all parents to pray over their children, pray that God’s will be evident in every stage of their lives, even if it is short. Remember, God is not the author of fear, confusion or strife and if you are feeling any of that, seek His face and rebuke the devil and he will flee. For those of you who are hurting, remember Romans 12:19, “do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: it is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord.”

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Ready, Set, Go!

The beginning of anything is the single most important step of any process. If your beginning isn’t stable, chances are, things aren’t going to be stable. Envision any structural building, they all must have a strong, solid foundation before walls or ceilings can be erected. Now envision the ground that the foundation is laid upon, it’s sturdy, not shaky. Ask a builder would he/she build a house on a beach, in a swamp, or on an incline? Now I want you to look at a tree or any plant that bears a fruit, if the roots (which aren’t visible most times) aren’t planted on fertile ground under the appropriate conditions, it will die and bring forth no life.

Now I want you to take a close look at how you live and think about some paramount or significant triumphs and failures in your life that you've experienced, do you notice a trend? I’ve noticed that for a lot of us, we tend to overlook the basics when it comes to starting a task, something new, or developing some sort of a game plan when it comes to living. Just as the old adage says, all good things must come to an end; so must there be a beginning. In fact, the very first words of the Bible are “in the beginning …” God begins his living word with “In the beginning” that speaks volumes to me. If you want to be successful, if you want to understand the nature of things, go back to the BEGINNING. It’s funny how we can expect things to work themselves out or work in our favor when the beginning was rooted in quicksand. It puzzles me how people can talk about a situation or claim to be praying about a situation and don’t want to tell you the truth about how it all began. We seem to avoid the uncomfortable truth of most situations. People tend to accuse me of being cynical and insensitive at times when I introduce the truth into the equation when we talk about beginnings. I’ve seen single mothers struggle with their children but don’t want to acknowledge the fact that they choose to bring into the world a bastard child. I’ve seen wives struggle with their marriages but don’t want to acknowledge the fact that they got involved with their husbands when they were attached to another woman when they begin their relationship. I’ve seen people struggle with their jobs but fail to realize that they schemed and caused others to lose their jobs in order to get to the position that they are at now. I’ve seen people struggle financially and can’t seem to get out of debt but won’t acknowledge the fact that as soon they seem to get a little bit of money they choose to invest it frivolously on things that lose value as soon as you purchase them.

But on the other hand, I sit and smile when I hear people talk about the triumphs they are experiencing when they decided to step out on “faith” when embarking in something new.  When you begin things faithfully and in good graces, you tend to reap good rewards. It really isn’t that hard, the only thing it requires you to do is to think and be conscious of your actions. Plant yourself on fertile ground then sow a seed, give it water, give it some sun and watch it root strongly.  Take the time to BUILD your foundation the right way, take the time to invest wisely instead of trying to make do with the spoils of bad decisions. Folks waste too much time trying to right wrongs, you can NOT do that! Acknowledge your wrongs and start over. Think about it, you can cook spoiled food but it won’t taste good and it more than likely will make you very sick.  

Get your START right; here’s to new beginnings.

The Devil and Truth

Growing up, after I’d watched a scary movie, I would find it very hard to fall asleep. It was as if every squeak, creek of the floor or even the blow of the wind, was the sound of the devil coming to get me and take me to hell. I swore he was in my closet.  I’d scream and yell for my daddy to come “save me”. He would come, as always, and he would say, “there’s no devil in that closet lil darling”.  And I would cry and say that I heard the sounds and on TV, he was hiding in the closet just waiting for the opportune time to come and take me. I’d picture the devil with red skin, big fangs, two horns and long sharp fingernails. When I told my dad this, he laughed. He said, “the devil isn’t scary-looking, nor is he ugly. Actually, the devil will always be the best looking thang in the room”! I never understood that until I got older.

When you think of all the things, people and places that betrayed you, I am sure all of them were very attractive, or shall I say, appealing to the senses (because attraction varies from person to person). We fall prey to the things that are physically appealing to us, even when we know deep down it is destructive. As I live and learn, I find that the Truth has been the most frightening thing. The Truth can be downright disruptive! And what we fail to recognize is that the Truth was there all along, but because it’s not glamorous, boisterous or flashy, we tend to overlook it when we are enjoying ourselves. We tend to blame the Truth because in a sense, the Truth is God’s Messenger and we all know the old adage of “don’t shoot the messenger”! I’ve always grouped the Spirit and Truth together because whenever the Spirit is present so is the Truth.  And because we are all spiritual beings, the Truth is there all along. But why do we choose to ignore it or get angry when Truth makes an announcement?

I will tell you why, the Truth is convicting. When the Truth speaks, all the wrong thoughts, actions or intentions are called on the carpet and we, as human beings, hate being wrong, let alone called out on our foolishness. That’s where the anger comes into play. We want to throw a rock and hide our hands and not be held accountable when something breaks and that is how the devil operates. The devil will always give you a million explanations or justifications for doing something wrong. The devil will fund your endeavors, hell, he will even find you fans to cheer you on in your foolishness! But when the chips fall, the devil has moved on but the Truth will stare you directly in the eyes without moving a muscle. And when you are wallowing in the mess you created, the Truth is standing over you with a mirror.  

The message I ultimately wanted to convey is, appearances are very misleading. What may look good isn’t really good. Seek that which stirs & calls your Spirit and not things that touch and arouse your senses. And be wary of the beautiful ones aka the devil … for they always break the mirror …

And I Can't Tell You Why ...

It puzzles me how people can move about day to day without a clear direction or understanding of their lives. The society we live in would rather we all become a band of walking zombies so that our actions can be easily influenced by those who know better. When you can influence and control a person’s thoughts; the battle is already won. I have conducted my own independent study of discovering the answer of “why” people do what they do, say what they say or believe what they believe. And although I wasn’t surprised that most people don’t really have a good explanation, I was very shocked at the anger I received once I continued to ask the simple question of why. People seem to get upset when they are asked to validate their claims. I find that most people are really upset with themselves when they “hear” the answer they give. I asked a close friend why she was a Baptist and not Methodist, Catholic, Agnostic or followed Judaism, and the best answer she could give was, “my mama & grandma raised me in a Baptist Church, so that is why”. And I asked her using that exact theory she provided, if a person grows up and smokes crack because their mother and grandmother did, is that okay? She immediately got offensive and said we are talking about God not craziness! I had to calm her down and tell her that I was only testing the theory and the reasoning. If she could base her religious beliefs on that of her ancestors and what she was taught, why couldn’t a crack addict do the same? That is something that makes me go hmmm….start asking yourself why you follow the paths you do people.

The past few weeks during the NBA playoffs, I have read tweets, Facebook statuses and overheard many conversations about who is going to take it all and who is going to be the MVP, etc. I overheard one guy say that he wants Lebron to get a ring, as if he knows Lebron or that Lebron needs a ring to continue living. So I asked him why he wanted to see that? And he said, “because Bron Bron is my dude! He needs to make Cleveland fans mad!” So I asked him what his son would be doing this Summer when school gets out? He said, “I don’t know, his mama handles all that.” So I said, well what would you like to see him do? Have you asked him? He begins to get agitated and told me to “go on somewhere with all that”. I told him that I wasn’t questioning his fatherhood or involvement (of lack thereof) in his son’s life, I just wanted to know why he would want to see a grown man, one he doesn’t know personally accomplish a short term goal, but can’t tell me what he wants to see his son be involved in this summer. He remained very defensive and said that he provides his son with everything he needs and that he knows his dad loves him and that I needed to “stay in my lane”. So I said, well if that’s the case, it’s Erik Spoelstra’s job to guide the Heat to a championship and that he needs to stay in his lane and just be a fan of the sport. He didn’t like that last comment I made, so I moved right along.

It fascinates me that people will much rather follow the masses when it comes to their own thought process. People do so many things based on what others have done and what others may think without thinking for themselves. We need to sit and critically think about why we do the things we do….OFTEN! Are you a creature of habit? If so, why? Do you like surprises? If not, why? I never intend to make people angry when I seek to help them reach a higher level of consciousness, I am just passionate about people KNOWING themselves and having their independent thought process as undiluted as possible.

Changing Your Landscape

For the past few years, I've suffered more than my fair share of job losses. Being your classic overachiever and highly functioning professional, you can imagine what that did to my pysche. My self-imposed state of being was being tested. The first job loss was loud, yet deafening. My mental state was in complete mayhem, it was if my thoughts became tornadic. All of them were dark, fast and destructive. I didn't understand WHY this was happening and honestly, I didn't want to KNOW why, I just wanted everything back to normal, back to the "predictable". I wanted my "predictable" paycheck back, I wanted my "predictable" day to day schedule back, I wanted my "predictable" day offs back, basically, I wanted my familar way of living back. But something in my spirit turned on after the third job loss in three years (the old folk always did say that it comes in "threes"). Finally, two additional job losses later, I finally "hit me". A life full of familarity and predictability is like living a slow death. You will not grow in a controlled environment, you will either get worse or stay in the exact same state. When you alter/change a controlled variable, the test subject will almost always undergo some kind of change. And in life, simply taking a break from something whether it be a job, a physical location or from a person; it will never be enough to evoke change. You know that what you left is still in tact and waiting for you. But what do you do when what is left isn't waiting for you anymore? You are forced to find a new place to go or you can CREATE a new environment for yourself. Don't ever start believing that you don't have a choice as to what you want out of life. You will always be in control of where you end up. But you have to accept the fact that you can not and will not be able to do it by yourself. God will provide you with the roadmap, some gas, a vehicle, and some people along the way to get you to a better landscape or He will either place many roadblocks in your path to get you going in the right direction.



It is crucial that you become familiar with your inner voice because it tells you when you need to change your direction. If you ignore it, God will intervene and trust me, when He intervenes, he PRUNES!! And pruning hurts but it is so very necessary if you want to harvest fruit. The back to back job losses were my pruning experience. I KNEW that my life had become so mundane and stifling. The truth is, I wanted a change; I needed a change, I was too afraid to allow myself to imagine or even move into living differently because I didn’t know what the landscape would look like once I moved. I wondered, will I like it? Will it be fun? Would I have more money? Would my friends and family be there? I was finding every excuse in the world to keep from paying attention to the inner discomfort I was feeling. Instead, I filled my time up with noisy distractions to hopefully drown out the quiet voice that was telling me to “do something else”. I can tell you fear is one hellavu drug! God gave me opportunity after opportunity to get on the right track, but I kept seeking the familiar and the ritualistic day to day routine because it was comfortable. Let me tell you, comfortable don’t win no awards! You will not triumph in comfortable; you will not accomplish what you are destined for in comfort. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, CHANGE YOUR LANDSCAPE!   



Changing your landscape means accepting that you will be walking into unchartered territory. EVERYTHING will be new. If it’s too scary for you to think about critically but you don’t want God to start pruning; I suggest that you start making small changes. Start building your confidence by implementing small but yet strengthening activities. Start by changing your drive home, start my saying positive affirmations out loud every morning, take a bath one day instead of a shower, walk up and give a stranger $20 one day out of the blue, hell, go buy different color apparel than you’re used to! Just do some things DIFFERENTLY and I promise, you will start to SEEING a change in your life. Get used to change, embrace it, practice it and your LANDSCAPE will start to change to reflect the your seasons of life and there will be beauty and joy in it all.



Happy Travels!

Windows of opportunity

I’ve been absent from the blogging scene for a minute now so I thought it was only fitting that I come back with something profound. For the last month, I’ve been contemplating a lot, reviewing many aspects of my life whether it be the past, present or future. In a sense, I was attempting to gain some focus and direction on where the next 30 years will take me. As I recounted several instances in my past, I kept coming to different windows. When I say windows, I mean brief/short periods of time where I was able to see something great or rewarding. In its literal sense, a window is an opening; it changes the entire landscape of any room whether it is big or small, short or long. Oftentimes windows allow light to shine in or outward. There is something about a window that instinctively makes us all want to look in or out of it. I am convinced that ”something” is opportunity. Over our lifetimes, we will be blessed to come upon a window; if we are lucky we may come across tons of windows as we continue to live and grow. Today we live in a society where everything comes at us fast and in a hurry. We are taught to map out our goals and set forth strategies in order to achieve them. But what most textbooks or self help books fail to tell us is that life cannot be mapped. God interjects our day to day lives with windows, and we make the choice to look out or in those windows to see what or where it is that He wants us to go. If you stop and think about people, places or things that could have had a life changing effect, I am sure you are also able to recognize that window where you had to make a decision to do something, but you failed to. Unfortunately I am sad to admit that a lot of those windows I have been permitted to come across have been passed because I was too focused on a path and goals I had set rather than looking at what He wanted me to see. Opportunity rarely knocks twice, so when you see window, stop and look. When you look, look good! Then pray for what vision it is that God wants you to see while you look. If we did this every time someone or something new crosses our paths, we would probably be much more productive and happy people.

The Jena 6

I’ve been hesitantly following the Jena 6 case for a few months now because I feared it would stir an array of extreme emotions within my own psyche. This particular case made me sit and think about my childhood school days (for I was educated in a small Alabama town) and how I would react if this would have happened in 1995 at my school. There was an obvious racial divide throughout my all my schools ranging from kindergarten to me being a senior. It’s as if we are still in the mindset of separate but equal mindset when it comes to race. But in case of the Jena High School, the racial mix is about 85/15, with the predominate being white students. The infamous noose hanging from the “prep” tree is what apparently incited the violence which led to the gang beating of one particular white student who did not end up seriously injured, but yet attempted murder charges were filed against all but one of the black teens arrested for the assault. Now back when I was in Jr. High School, we almost had a race war. There were black and white students fighting everyday at the bus drop off and pick up behind the school almost everyday. It began to escalate quickly with students bringing brass knuckles and even guns to school. Because I’ve always been a hothead when it came to racial discrimination, my father sat me and my brother down and flat out told us that if we were involved in any fighting or got found with any possession of guns or weapons that our ass would be grass when he found out. And I personally would much rather be called a punk at school for not participating than dealing with my daddy if I did! I told that story because, I feel strongly that parental guidance could have prevented this entire situation. It is sad that no one took these boys to the side and told them the truth about violence and how to handle racial tensions. I am also upset with the school system for not holding a school wide counseling session on racial tension and diffusing it, I would like to know the school guidance counselor stance on this situation and see what he/she had to say, because they have failed their students and their community. I am disgusted as I see JJ and AS out in front leading what they call a 21st century civil rights movement, this is such propaganda!! I also see where the parents are petitioning the public for money to help in their legal costs. Now if JJ and AS are as powerful as they say they are, why haven’t they asked some of their very prominent lawyer friends to come and try the cases pro bono? Oh my bad that would be too much like right… I just don’t believe that these two are concerned about “racial equality”. I will say this in closing, violence is never a solution to any situation, especially with teens, but the charge of attempted murder was too harsh regardless of race. I pray that the harsh lesson is learned by all parties involved, and that is that more times that not, life is not fair.

Defining Moments

While I was in Chicago last week, a total stranger asked me how I would define myself to a complete stranger. I had to think about that for a second, I did not answer it as he had hoped, and instead I asked him how he perceives me considering that I am a complete stranger. He chuckled and said, oh boy, you are a thinker! And right he is! But sometimes I have the tendency to over think things. Our conversation pretty much ended with that (I don’t like talking to strangers too tough). After that brief encounter, I started thinking about the defining moments in my life, then I and some co-workers began to discuss some of our own experiences with each other. A defining moment is the moment you understand what your true character is. I only have a couple, but I will tell you the first one I had (I have experienced the most profound one to date already, but it is too personal to put in a blog). When I was 10 years old, I decided that I wanted to be a member of the 9 & 10 year old girls’ basketball team. My brother played all sports so I wanted to participate in something bigger than myself, and what better way than to try out for the team. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I am NOT athletically inclined, but at 10 years old, I thought could really play!! I will never forget trying out and actually making the team and getting the infamous #11 I wanted (just like my brother)! My dad took and attended every Saturday practice I ever had and went to every one of my games. I only got to play in one game partially because I refused to go back in after one game where this really big girl fouled me and made me break a nail. Nevertheless, our team won the local championships and I got a trophy. I ran home with it, so excited to show my daddy and when I showed him he said, “I didn’t know they gave trophies to benchwarmers?!” At that moment, I was CRUSHED, it was the first time I ever felt incompetent. I loss all desire to play any sport in that one moment and at the same time, I vowed to never feel incompetent again. With just one statement from my daddy, the tenacious, never fail attitude I have, was borne, I was changed forever. Sometimes, people will have moments in which we discover who we are and what we are capable of and some will go through life with none wandering aimless through life never knowing who they are or what makes them tick. How many of you can actually pinpoint moments in your life in which your whole world changed and you defined who you are or wanted to be?