Since losing both of my parents, I am reminded daily of the importance of their teachings and child rearing practices.
Both parents were from rural Alabama born to poorly educated parents. My mother grew up in an extremely toxic family structure whereas my father grew up in a family structure where image and appearances meant everything. I'm amazed at how they were able to successfully raise my brother and I in a family structure that had no semblance to their upbringing.
The particular teachings that I'm reminded of today are respect, appreciation, accountability and gratitude. Many speak it but most rarely put it into practice. One of my father's biggest pet peeves was us asking others for money, things or favors without asking and consulting with him first. I never fully understood his reasoning until I became an adult. One thing my father stood on was accountability; he never wavered. We were his children and we were his responsibility. He treated my mother the same. This practice showed me how to be accountable and how to manage my own affairs as I got older. He taught me how to appreciate any effort outside of our family nuclei and to respect those who did so without being prompted. One of the cardinal mistakes I see parents making today is allowing any and everyone provide for their children.
My godson reminded me this week that I was not his responsibility through his actions towards me for a small favor his mother asked me to do which was to pick him up from school. He followed up with a text confirming that I was 1, picking him up still and 2, to let me know his exact whereabouts as soon as school released. He literally made haste to be at the bottom on the steps immediately after school was over; he respected my time. Upon dropping him off at home, he texted me, "thank you miss kim"; he appreciated my efforts. Now this may seem very minute but trust me, this is major!
Here's the thing, he is being raised my two highly intelligent, hard working and successful adults who are financially sound. This is the game changer, they actually do the child rearing themselves, not depending on extended family or friends. This child is being shown how to live and behave accordingly and he's a teenager.
What makes me extremely sad is the other children in my circle. The majority of these children have great parents as well but not to the extent where they have made child rearing a top priority. My experience has always been one filled with empathy and disappointment whenever I have ever shown kindness or done favors where they are concerned. I don't get the same level (or no regard) of respect or appreciation for any act of kindness or effort extended to them. I don't receive thank yous, a second glance or even a gesture of gratitude whenever I've gone out of my way to do something especially for them. And this isn't the child's fault; it's just a spoil of poor child rearing.
I've provided car rides, given gifts, given money, invested time and resources to have children behave as if it was my duty to do so. The lack of true parenting breeds entitlement. These children were shown that it's everyone's responsibility to take care of them from an early age. So much so that they expect preferential treatment from others. I was once asked why I always give to those who have stable and thriving foundations; it's simple, they appreciate and value me and my efforts more.
Boy were my parents right!
