Saturday, October 3, 2020

Blessed Assurance

 "This is my story, this is my song ..." Ah! I have heard this hymn all during my childhood and as I age I fully embrace the lyrics more and more. Some people go a lifetime not realizing their purpose but for me, I know my purpose is storytelling, yet I rarely walk in it and I honestly don't give it the priority that it needs. Earlier this week, a friend of mine, with whom I nearly do daily routine silly exchanges on Microsoft Teams, challenged me to get back to doing things that empower me that is not work-related. I wanted to reach through my PC and slap Belen but I knew she was right. It's funny how the Creator dispatches his angels to bring you back full circle to the very thing that you so passionately run from. Truth is, I have so much to say but I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to share with others who are so rigid that they can't see a different point of view that differs from their own. It's becoming evident that we are living in a bubble. A safe bubble where nothing really matters besides our wants and needs. We have lost our sense of community; hell, I've lost my sense of community! There is a part of my story that leans towards my culture and heritage. Right now, the news media has a no holds barred approach when displaying acts of brutality against people of color that causes discomfort and reinforces past violence. It causes discomfort in my day to day life and my work life as well. I don't work with people who predominately look like me nor understand the history of people who look like me. So basically, it's business as usual. My mental health has been battered and bruised during the era of COVID.  I find myself being pulled and prodded in so many different directions to a point where its unhealthy and has increased my anxiety. So much so that I have retreated to the safety of my own home. The only person I allow in my bubble has been Chris (my boo). Even though I have a heightened sense of uneasiness,  I also am confronted with the real issue...walking in purpose; storytelling.

I hear the universe loud and clear and I'm officially opening my prayers and life to walking into it. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Saturday, June 6, 2020

Forgot About Kim

I've had a real shitty week, period. One of the things I battle the most in this life is coming in last when I've always held the lead in the race. Let me explain ... I tend to give effort, A LOT of it; whether the task is work related or personal, one thing for sure, Kim is coming through surpassing expectations. It's just who I am, a part of my brand per se. It's not something that I want to change or something I want a hand clap for; all I want is credit when credit is due. This week has served me up a warm, stinky plate of shit when I have secured all the ingredients of a 5-star meal. The bait and switch was the fact that all that securing wasn't for me to enjoy the delicious meal, yet it was for me to relieve and wipe the shit after someone else has enjoyed the fruits of my effort. All I got was the after effect and as you can see, the after affects of a great meal is a good healthy shit.

As much as I have prayed and processed this feeling yet again, all I really wanted was some moral, empathetic support from my loved ones. Now don't get me wrong, I have a few great friends who came through with support, from blueberry wine and blackberry scrub to a humid night in the pool with laughter. I appreciated it greatly but my human nature craved for the support of those closest to me. Which ended up in epic failure. The support I sought was given a backseat to their own priorities. Whether it was baking a cake or working on a car, Kim got put to the back of the bus. Now these are the very ones who get the optimum effort from me whenever they have any kind of issue that requires support whether it be financial, emotional, or support requiring me to act; I'm typically on it before they can even ask. But look what I got ... dismissed quickly and made an after thought.

The latter half of 2020, I'm going to focus and direct my energies on myself. I have wasted too much time and effort on solving others problems instead of understanding why I forget about mine so unhesistantly to a point where it's unhealthy. You see, the shit I have been served has been subconsciously conjured up by none other than Kim.

Oh dear Kim, oh have I forgotten all about you!
Now it's time for me to look in the mirror and say, "o sis, you're my boo"!

Monday, August 27, 2018

Fuel From My Mama

My mother called me at 6:44 this morning. It's not unusual but when she puts in an early morning call to me, something is usually weighing on her. When the calls first began years ago, I used to think to myself, "why don't she call one of her lil friends"? Like she used to tell me back in my early teen years when I wanted to talk about teen things. But as time has moved forward and the calls started to come more frequent I realized more and more her motive for the calls. Somedays she calls me just to shout the blessings of the Lord and I do mean SHOUT 😁 then there are days when the weight of her world is heavy and she has to talk it out. Either way, it requires a large part of the time with just me listening.

Early morning conversations with mama are like fuel for my soul. Her stories are mere reflections on the many complexities that we will experience in this life. Her sharing let's me know that it's okay to experience the wonders of this world; be they happy one day and sad the next. Too many times we go through life shielding others from our typical day to day emotional life and I've learned that it's not healthy or allows us to grow.

Conversations with mama are intimate and it allows us to bond and allows me to gain wisdom for the days to come.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Stop Feeding the Monsters

We are not growing properly; plain and simple ... right? Truth is, we have either grown accustomed to pain or conformed to laziness at it's worse levels.

How many times have you sat quietly and watched destruction either before the fall or after and not move a muscle? I have...more times than I care to admit. I can think of a myriad of reasons why I sat idle ranging from -- not my business to that's what he/she gets. As I reflect, I unconsciously welcomed that type of karma into my own life. When we do nothing or say nothing, we are not only ignoring our fellow man, we are ignoring ourselves. It comes to our doors and no one speaks up for us ... there is no hero to save the day.

We are far more connected by disconnect than we know. I found my self disappointed in a co-worker last week because I found out that they passively listened to an off color remark and said nothing. I was so sure that they didn't care if people of another ethnicity was spoken so I'll of. But in the budding era of "me too", how often can I honestly say that I've sat quietly as well. Well pot meet kettle!

I'm also struggling with "being kind" after being felt used and wronged. After much burying my head in the sand, I finally faced that a guy really wasn't that into me as I had hoped, although he's been to chicken shit to come out & say it. Truth is, it makes him feel better to not own up to his wrongdoings so instead he's ignored the conversations that I've asked for clarity and continues to send funny text messages to somehow soften the BS he's served time and time again. I had realized I've been conditioned to "take the high road" and always respond in love. But I know what LOVE is and its correction. It's not this passive shit to make you feel better about your BS! I found the courage to say, thanks but no thanks and here's why and move right along. We must learn to voice our pain and wrongdoings for that matter in order to GROW wiser and better. When we turn passive and discontent to those who violate the feelings and rights of others, we are feeding the monster.

Stop feeding the monster!

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Fall Harvest

My favorite season is by far Fall. If you really look at the seasons carefully, the Creator tells us all we need to know about the very seasons of our lives. The rich colors of the foliage as they are dying is magnificent! We have been conditioned to only focus on the pain of death that we fail to see the beauty of it. After Fall, there is Winter, a season where coldness forces us to retreat and seek warmth. The warmth is the Spirit of God. After we've embraced and healed from the cold, comes Spring. A rebirth of those very living plants that left us in the Fall. Many of us will witness all the work that goes on in Spring. From the bees buzzing, the falling rain to the cultivating of soil to prepare for the rebirth. Ah, rebirth!

2016 has served as a season of Fall for me. I've experienced so many deaths that made me at times wonder what in the world God is doing. And as much as I have always loved Fall, it has felt like Winter because the pain has been so cold and so unapologetic. Somehow I know that Spring will usher in a ton of cultivating. We have to realize that a plentiful harvest requires not only painful sacrifices but tons of work.

Work is what will bring us fruitful; for faith without works is dead. Although things may be tough, people and situations may be dying all around us, we must know that the harvest is near! Hold on to the seasons, watch and pray. We are coming into a season of abundance.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Lessons From Grief

Mornings are the worse. Reality has been patiently waiting ready to get in a quickie as soon as you leave the slumber of sleep.

The beginning of almost anything requires the most work. All the "firsts" are hard. The amount of sacrifice,  pure grit & determination that you put in first will impact the process & outcome. Same rings true for grieving. You have to approach it directly, heads-on and hard in the beginning or it will sit, stew and grow into something toxic.

People love their rituals! They will serve as both gifts & curses.

People enjoy seeing pain up close and personal. It's something about seeing it unfold that's addictive. It's true reality tv.

The greater the love, the greater the pain.

Complete healing is a myth, it never shows up, no kind introductions, you'll forever read about it in books and fairytales. You won't receive this gift until this life is over.

If you've never been formally introduced, you will soon come to know that Pain is now your nigga for life! Once he shows up, you have to make room for him or else.

Words are razor blades. Hearing and saying "I love you" will never feel the same again. Saying that "it takes time" does not lend comfort. Not saying a word will forever be the sweetest taboo when comforting a grieving person, try it.

The little everyday things are what you will miss the most.

If anyone grieving ever asks you for anything, do it & do it immediately. The concept of time is very volatile. They are basing everything in measurements of time.

If you are so compelled to just "do something", make it short & quick and don't ask what they need. You cannot, I repeat, cannot provide any necessities at this time.

Quit asking about damn food! No, we don't care to eat, have to taste for anything or have any dietary concerns. Bring something that you know they will eat of you don't know what they like, bring bottled water or money.

Any visit over 30 minutes is exhausting. Never ever ask how'd a loved one died or if there was sickness.  Answering this question forces the grieving person to relive the death in their hearts & minds repeatedly.

It never gets easier, it just becomes bearable. Pain either builds strength or destroys you.

When others are in the early stages of the grieving process, do not take the opportunity to share your memory of the loss of a loved one that happened years ago. It is not encouraging, it's dismissive. This isn't a contest of who will grieve the best.

Grieving the loss of a loved one will leave a hole especially when that person held a permanent position in your life. Although they are irreplaceable, the hole will fill with other things or the hole will become a darkness that will grow bigger.

Sharks always come when there is blood in the water. There will be people who will try to pimp grief. Folks will pretend to grieve for a numerous of reasons; common reasons are attention, money, access and revenge. They will circle you, watch you & strike in moments of weakness. It's okay to not return calls or talk to certain people.

The grieving process is different for EVERYBODY! There is no handbook or quick tips on surviving the pain.

You must find laughter, it ushers in healing.

Accept that some days will be better than others. You'll find yourself getting into a groove of having really good days back to back then one moment will come along and derail you completely. It's not a setback, it's reality, just keep going. The only way to manage grief and pain is to plow through it. Regardless of how you feel, never allow yourself to wallow long, it can get way too comfortable there.

Monday, December 14, 2015

The Importance of Being Earnest

I've been reflecting on this year alot lately. I've been attempting to pinpoint both failures and triumphs all while trying to find growth opportunities. The one area that I've personally noticed is my lack of bringing more earnesty into my actions and train of thought.

Oscar Wilde once wrote, "the good ended happily, and the bad unhappily, that is what fiction means." Although The Importance of Being Earnest is satirical, it is riddled with the truth. The good seems to end rather unhappily or unnoticed more often than happily nowadays. Bad gets all of the praise and attention in today's world -- yesterday's too for that matter. I believe we all play a major role in the decay of good getting its just desserts.

In grade school, positive behavior,  action, outstanding work and effort is positively reinforced, praised even. As we age & life introduces itself to us, we tend to shrug at the responsible, stellar feats, andextraordinary efforts of others unless it lends some sparkle to our own dulling shine. I've witnessed so many people run to the rescue of those who are victims of poor decision making & irresponsible behaviors. We don't praise or encourage those who have the courage to do the right thing day in and day out. Why is that?

As I mentioned earlier,  it's all about the sparkle that we'd like to show off to others. The easiest way in this world to shine is by going into darker places or situations so our sparkle can glimmer a lil brighter and gain some oh-so coveted attention. We've missed the mark -- I've missed the mark. I'm making a concerted effort to be present in the brighter places. I'm going to support positive feats of those around me no matter how small. By doing so,  our sparkle isn't dimmed or dismissed, it actually sets us up to strengthen our own shine! Positive energy is POWER, we can recharge each other and keep the momentum going if we'd simply give attention to the ones who are actually accomplishing greater things.  Things that make them grow, give light and shoulder personal responsibility. Adults need it more than ever.

My actions moving forward will involve me actively supporting & appreciating the positive actions of those I may come in contact with.  My attentions will be more focused on encouraging people's good decisions rather than trying to reverse the damage of the bad. Through earnesty, we can put Good in the driver's seat and hope for a better destination.